I went, I saw, I urm.... didn't quite conquer!!

It didn't go as planned.

I wanted to so badly to be at the Big Bad Book Sale on it's first day, which was Nov 12, but my best friend had to work, so we went the next day instead.

I even took that friday off to rest up and prepare myself for a good half day of eating up almost every book imaginable, but of course, I had to contain myself, and am bummed that I got half of what I actually planned on splurging my hard-earned money on.

Still, this year's sale - although it was held outside the Klang Valley, at South City Plaza in Seri Kembangan - was bigger than ever, and actually saw a much bigger crowd (there was a queue on the first day before the sale even began, which there wasn't at the Nov '09 sale in Amcorp Mall) of booklovers, new and old, converge for THE sale of the year.

With prices starting at RM5 and up to a maximum of RM30 (the actual retail price plus a few more ringgit of a paperback in most big chain bookstores), it's easy to pick up a selection of your chosen reads plus a bundle more of unfamiliar works, and dump them into your box/eco-bag and keep doing this without thinking about the price until you can't lug the load around anymore.

I filled my two eco-bags to the brim before i gave up and headed towards the counter to pay... and my friend wasn't that far behind. But after checking out each other's stash, we realized that we weren't done and took an hour's break before going back in!

RM300 poorer (I'm not feeling yet... am waiting for my credit card statement to arrive via email), but my soul is oh so delighted at the prospect of nourishing itself with the many delicious treats I got to keep me happy until next year... when I'm aiming to spend a record RM500 (by my standards) of money saved and it will be the first day of the Big Bad Wolf's return.

I've got to start the incantations for a geographically-friendly location for next year's trip!! :D

The Wolf's back... somebody stop me!!

I am trying SO HARD not to think about it... but the eventuality of it will have me running to South City Plaza from November 12 and spend my hard earned moolah on my favorite drug - BOOKS!

Oh yes, the Big Bad Wolf is back! And the Big Bad Sale will this time around, be held outside the Klang Valley, in Seri Kembangan to be precise (I'm pretty sure my Geography is not lost on me).

I promised myself that I will be shopping for Christmas presents and maybe get a couple of hardcovers for me. I mean, the over RM200 that I spent at last year's sale are still sitting in an eco-friendly bag by my bed!! There's just too little time to read when you're dead tired after work. But I plan to finish those books.

So yeah, I'm going to need more reading material, but of course the bulk will be pressies and I've already prepared the list... a very short one. :( Yeah, not everyone in my family or even my extended family, read all that much.

I hope I won't have to keep what I get for them, for myself (smiling devilishly!). Well, I can never get enough of books, so sue me if I do!!

But NO! I have to control myself. I'll just keep my credit card at home and carry a set amount of cash. Enough to get what's on my list. And if there isn't enough...? Well, I'll borrow from my best friend, who'll be joining me that very first day.

I'm ready, counting the days... I've already applied for leave. Now, to set reminders on my cellphone. :P

It's been a while...

Wow, it’s been some time since I’ve updated my blog.

Blame it on a lack of inspiration or just plain exhaustion, I simply have not been excited enough to share my thoughts or vent my anger at whatever it is that may be driving me crazy.

But I plan to change that.

I need to be inspired! Been feeling like a drone, that wakes up each evening, fills up and heads out the door to work…. Doing the same thing five days a week, then return home on weekends only to do… nothing?

I’ve tried digging out the creative artist in me, by making jewelry at one point. I went online and bought numerous bits and bobs like beads and findings, hoping to create a masterpiece or two. I did succeed at selling off a few of my trinkets… and instead of that being the catalyst for me to keep going, I just stopped. There went any ideas I had about starting my own little business.

Then, I thought, maybe I could design and sew bags! Purses, a few clutches, handbags… a lady could always do with another accessory to bring her whole outfit together! Feeling gung-ho, I went shopping for interesting fabrics that I could work magic with. Then I came out with a few items, some I gifted and a few were sold… but again, it didn’t give me the motivation to pursue this new-found interest I had in making bags.

Looking back now, I realized that as much as I wanted a new ambition that would take me out of this rut of a mundane five-days-a-week job, I was really looking to break away from the norm and do something that I actually love to do! But what is it?

Sifting through my childhood, the only things that made me happy, apart from playing games and being active, was my love for books. I enjoyed school, in spite of challenges I faced being the odd kid, and learning opened a world of endless possibilities! There was something new to learn every day, something exciting, exotic, scary and also gross! And books were my escape.

From the Dick and Jane series to Enid Blyton's treasures in my childhood, to Nancy Drew and then later, Mills & Boon romance (yuck! now that I think about it), oh how I loved the worlds I was able to enter from one book to the next.

From this love sprouted a desire to create my own world of make-believe... and while some would act this out, I was better suited to writing down my thoughts, dreams and fantasies. Of course, there was the odd story-telling competition which I'd won back in school, but I was (and still am) too shy to let my body express the way I would tell a tale.

I've been writing ever since, but it was more for myself than anyone else. Perhaps it's time to test the waters to see if the world shares my thoughts, words and ideas.

Insomniac?? Me??

I can't sleep.

It's 340am on a sunday, I am supposed to wake up at 0630hrs to get ready for church, and I'm still up.

I tried to sleep, but you know what happens when you overthink it - in this case, thinking hard about sleeping - you can't do it, especially when it comes to slumber!

I've been in bed since midnight and here I am, still awake. I never had this problem until I was hospitalized about two weeks ago. I guess, now that I'm getting enough rest, there's been no lack of sleep, as is usually the case when I'm working 5 days a week.

I'm going to shut down my laptop now, say my prayers, and drift off, without thinking about it.

Otherwise, I'll just join my mother in the living room, and watch Germany fight for third place in the World Cup. GO GERMANY!!

Of Screws and Stitches and Everything in Between...

A week ago, I went under the knife.

In my previous entry, I mentioned a plate and four screws that were discovered in my left leg when the doctor had x-rays done on both my legs. He scheduled my surgery for June 29 to remove the "implants" as they're referred to by the hospital people, as one of the screws looked to be impinging on a nerve.

The day came, and I had to admit myself at 8am. Half an hour later, I was shown to my bed in the women's ward. My folks, who were with me through the admission process, left half an hour later to return in the evening.

I was nervous about the operation. I knew it was a simple procedure, but being cut open at 5 years of age is different when one is 30-something years old. You become more aware of what's about to take place, and I couldn't help but feel a little nervous.

For one thing, I was alone when they prepared me just before the surgery. A couple of nurses came in to see me every ten minutes - to collect my blood, run blood pressure tests and also had me pee in a cup! I was then presented with the dreaded hospital gown, with instructions to remove all my underwear plus any jewelry I had on me. Believe me when I say there is no dignity in donning a hospital gown! My doctor then paid me a visit and briefed me on what would be done while in the OR. By this time it was 1030am, and my surgery wasn't until 2pm, so I tried to relax my thoughts by reading and listening to some music.

But fifteen minutes later, two nurses wheel in a bed and ask me to jump onto it, as they were taking me to the operating room. Needless to say, I was nervous. Removing the sarong I was wearing to conceal myself from the waist down, I propped onto the bed, and received an injection in the bum.

That trip to the operating room felt like the longest of my life! Here, I was "parked" just outside the OR while one of the doctors asked me some procedural questions. Then the anesthesiologist asked me if I was allergic to any medication and explained what would be given to me post-op, for any pain I may experience.

I was then left alone to panic for a few minutes! What was wrong with me? It wasn't like I was going for open heart surgery, for goodness' sake! I wished I hadn't sent my mum home so soon! By the time I pulled myself together, the doors of the operating room opened and I was wheeled into it, then was asked to move myself on to the operating 'table'. The last things I remembered were an IV being placed through my left hand and a wire with a clip placed on my right index finger to monitor my heart rate. And just like it was in the movies, an oxygen mask was placed over my nose and mouth to breathe. I was out by my third breath.

Before I knew it, I woke up drowsy, but aware that the surgery was over... and had drifted in and out of consciousness as I waited to be transported back into my bed and wheeled into my room. But I wasn't allowed to drift off into sleep yet as the anesthesiologist paid me a visit to check my pain levels.

It was another hour before my doctor paid me a visit after the surgery to tell me that he couldn't remove fhe screws! Well duh, doc! It's been more than 20 years that those babies have been in there, they're very much a part of my tibia! Fearing he had cracked the tibia, he put my leg in a cast and I was taken the next day to the Xray department to check out the extent of any damage he was concerned he had caused from trying to dislodge the screws. That meant I had to stay one more night.

It was a nightmare staying in the hospital, mainly because I refused to use a bedpan and had the nurses' help to get me to the toilet in a wheelchair because of the cast. Still I'd much rather clean up after my self than get those poor nurses to do it for me. I was adamant about being as independent as possible. I also slept a lot and didn't have much of an appetite, until my family had visited me.

The following day, I was taken to get X-rays done, and an hour later, the doc returned with the results. There were no cracks, thank goodness, so I could go home without the cast and be on crutches for a couple of weeks. On the day I was to be discharged, I was taken to the physiotherapy room to learn how to use the crutches.

It's been a week since my surgery. I've got one more week before I start walking normally again. I feel so much better now than I was a week ago. My family's been taking care of me since I got home. But the last two days, I've been getting my own glass of water and moving as much as I can so I don't lose the strength in my left leg.

I know that my knees will need to be replaced eventually, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen. It's up to me to lose the weight so my knees don't suffer.

My doctor has been good to me, and I'm glad I chose him to tell me what's wrong with me and what needs to be done. I'm looking forward to September... I can go back to my workouts and being serious about losing weight.

For now, I'm just preparing to walk without the aid of the crutches. And living a better life.

Bowing to My Detriment

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be about me and who I am, my thoughts, and what makes me tick - the everyday, sometimes mundane, sometimes shocking, but always an eye-opening experience.

Bowtales was named after yours truly - I am severely bow legged, and though I used to think that not being perfect physically has made me the person I am today, it may well turn out to be a curse as well...

After years of suffering sometimes severe pain in both my knees, a particularly searing pain in my right knee forced me to get my butt over to an ortho specialist to find out what was causing the jolt of pain every time I took a step with my right leg.

The first visit was daunting, and tiring. I spent a whole day at the hospital, having to wait my turn since it was a walk-in consult, then the specialist decided I needed an MRI. This, I could only do an hour later as it was near lunch break.

So I go back in after lunch and wait for my turn at the imaging lab, and when I was finally called in, it took all of two hours to complete. Then, twenty minutes after that, the results are in, I get called back to see the doc and he tells me that my meniscus is severely damaged. He said there is little to do but put me on annual course of three injections directly into the knee to help repair the damage some, and put me on some oral meds. He then tells me, that I may need knee replacement in ten years time. I was thinking, "yeah, right!" and asked him what the other alternatives were. He said I could go without the surgery provided I lose the weight.

That was definitely the alternative I'm considering. But two months after my third course of the injection, I go back for a followup and this time, he decides to get an Xray done on both my knees. THe results were a little shocking. First, he tells me I have a metal plate with four screws in my left leg. I don't even remember if my folks told me anything about that.

A little history lesson: My parents discovered I was severely bow legged when, at five years old, the bow in my legs worsened instead of them straightening. So they got me to a specialist, who discovered an extra bone growing in my left leg, and decided to remove it. The metal plate was placed to secure the femur and tibia until they healed. As for the bow, they recommended that I use braces, which I did, but that didn't last long. Apparently, it hurt me too much to wear them, so mom decided enough of that, and stopped putting them on me.

So yes, I could have fixed the problem after a few years of wearing the braces, but my poor folks couldn't see me in pain, so they gave it up... and here I am, decades later, and it seems to have backfired.

Back to my specialist. He said the angle that my legs are bowing are pretty severe and that knee replacement was inevitable. Although he stressed that he would not recommend it now, since I'm still young, but if I don't take a load off (meaning: lose weight) soon, I will eventually require surgery.

And as for the metal plate and screws, well I just need to get rid of them as they serve no purpose. In fact, a couple of the screws might do more harm than good, according to Dr Huang (that's his name). Two of the screws might be hitting a vital nerve, and he wanted to do an MRI to determine if they were close enough to cause paralysis.

I was shocked and in awe of the Xrays. It wasn't the fact that I may need surgery down the road that scared me, it was the screws! And the surgery to have them removed. It may be a minor one, but I guess the fear stemmed from the fact that I had to get it done soon.

Needless to say, I was bummed out the whole day after my appointment. It then hit me all at once.

The fact that this could have been avoided had I not been a brat, I would have had my legs straighten and I would have been able to be the start athlete I'd wanted to be in school. That I wouldn't be this overweight blub who could no longer run in school or join the hockey team because my knees kept acting up. It was all due to my bow legs.

It's difficult to say if I was blaming anyone at this point. It would be easy to blame my folks, but I won't do that. It's not like they sat and did nothing when they saw me in the condition I had been in. But to think, that a pair of leg braces could have helped me some... i'm still mad at my self for not being strong. I wish they were strong enough to make that decision to fix me, and ignore my cries of agony.

However, it's too late now to do anything.

Then again, today, I have control of my own body. Which means, I get to decide if I let myself slip further into the abyss of pain and disrepair or I work hard to fight it. And losing weight is a battle on its own. But it's no longer about vanity, but about the need to hang on to everything that God has given me - my bones, tissue, menisci, muscle... and I have no intention of letting metal replace the "machinery" that I was born and blessed with.

I am not givin up without a fight.

I found My Voice!

I found it! I found a way to show off my “nice”, “sweet”, “sexy” voice (as quoted by people I’ve spoken to) for the rest of… well, Malaysia, to hear.
There is actually a website that allows one who has a great voice to showcase her talent in the hopes of getting chosen for the next great, funny, one-of-a-kind radio commercial. Not only for radio though, there’s tv and IVR as well. I’m so thrilled that I found it.
I didn’t hesitate to sign up and wait to be contacted so that I can record a demo and pay up the annual fee as a “potential” member.
I may not make it as a radio announcer, but I’m confident once I put myself out there, I’ll get a gig. :D
Oh, and making some extra money wouldn’t hurt either!

A hunger of a different kind

It’s early on a Sunday morning, and I’m wondering what I’m doing up.
Apart from checking my emails, I keep logging in and out of a couple of websites. Personals websites. I’m trying to see if my profile catches an eye, gets someone’s attention long enough to want to write to me.
I must be lonely. Am I perverse to long for someone… Anyone to love? To hold, and snuggle up against? I know I want to feel a warm body against mine. Someone to touch and feel, to share laughs with, longing stares…
So I get in and out of those sites I’ve subscribed to… hoping someone interesting enough will write me, or say hi, and proceed with connecting.
It’s during moments like this when I wonder about the luck that some people have to be in love with their partners, while I sit here, desperately wanting to connect with another human being – hoping that sparks start flying, that he’ll want my no. next so he can call me to talk over the phone and not just chat online.
As I sit here, I am chatting with Russ. A little teasing and flirting goes some way toward feeling desired… but Russ isn’t thinking about a future… at least not while we’re chatting. He’s trying to figure a way to get me into bed when he transits while on his way to Cambodia…
Maybe it’s time for bed. And a little less thinking…

I'll be leavin on a jetplane!

In approximately 25 hrs and 30 mins from the time I'm done with this post, I'll be on a plane headed to Australia to visit my relatives.

But I can't wrap my head around why I'm not as excited about going to Perth as I had been over my previous holidays - to Cambodia, Bali and Bangkok. As happy as I am to meet up with my two aunts who've made a home in Perth, I guess I haven't read much about what's exciting there for me to drool over.

I've done a little bit of homework, but not enough to whet my appetite. Still, I'm open to the visit, and the other upside is that I'll be meeting with my friends, whom I got to meet when I was in Bali. They'll be taking me camping by the beach. That's something to look forward to. :)

While I'm still online, I might as well read up on where it is I'll be going.

I'll have details when I get back... in two weeks.

Jan 8: A dark, dark day in Malaysia's history

I was not prepared for the news that started coming in, about churches being burnt or were purportedly bombed, due to the reaction of certain ignorant parties in response to the High Court ruling that allows the Herald Catholic Weekly to use the word, "Allah".

I was in tears... in total shock as to what our country has come to, that we have to resort to violence in order to make our voices heard.

Then, I got mad! Only in Malaysia, do you have a government fighting for the exclusive right of Muslims to use a word to address their God. Is Allah the God of only the Muslims?

Where was I when the announcement was made that each faith worshipped a different God? Is there not ONE GOD? The same God that we all worship and pray to? We may have different names for Him, but He is the ONE and ONLY GOD.

And what's happened to a country that prides herself in being a home to many diverse ethnicities, cultures, religions and beliefs, but live together peacefully? Where was that tolerance and peace last Friday?

People, you need to educate yourselves!! That's what the internet is for!! Go find out the origins of the word, Allah! Go find out how long ancient civilisations have been addressing God as Allah!! Don't listen to ignorant rantings and finger-pointing unless you have your facts right!

If you don't, you will continue to lash out blindly, all because someone was playing batu api, by just jabbing you with lies, they can easily get you to do the crazy dance.

This explains the fear people have of things they are unfamiliar with or know nothing of.

Well, enough is enough! Arm yourselves with knowlege, for that is where you become powerful... when you are educated and informed, and then make your assessment based on fact, NOT fiction.

It's a new year! How time flies...

Happy New Year! We're only five days into 2010, so it's not screwy to wish everyone.

What a year 2009 has been. I can't believe I travelled more than I would have imagined, in one year. Bangkok, Siem Reap, Bali... the only thing stopping me from always keeping my backpack unpacked is the lack of money to jetset. :)

Having said that, I haven't made many big plans for travel. There is the one to Perth coming up in March, and then where...?

I do have one big goal to achieve this year (you could call it a resolution as well), and that is to lose massive amounts of weight so I can play sports again.

I was the ultimate tomboy back in the day. Anything boys did - like play games or sports - I wanted in on it! There were no limits for me. I climbed trees and hills when I was a kid. I joined a mini marathon at 13 (though I didn't finish, naive to the fact that one trains for marathons, and I hadn't!) and tried out for the hockey, netball and basketball teams in school.

But after my knee injury, I gave up. Everytime I ran or jumped, it hurt and I never said anything to my parents, so nothing was done. And I slowly let myself go. Now, I'm a ball of fat! Well, I don't look like a ball, I do have curves, but still, the weight I'm carrying around isn't making life easier for my joints. And having gone on those holidays last year, they were too much for me, evidence of an unfit heart.

So I only have one resolution this year - to lose it. I'm about 35kgs overweight. I plan to lose 30kgs, and I plan to do it slowly. If calculations serve me correct, losing 1kg a week would see me losing my goal weight by July. Of course, that would be wishful thinking, as there are bound to be obstacles like hitting a plateau midway throught your workout, and falling off the wagon once in a while. Which is why I'm giving myself a whole year to do it.

While I work towards this goal, I'm busy reading my books from the big bad book sale in Nov 09. Crazy me, I'm in the midst of reading three books, alternating between them.